Clear as Mud…

Quit job.
Pursued new dreams.
Plan in place.
Plan fell through.
Pursued new options.
Nothing coming through.
Thoughts of NOT being enough for anything felt accurate.
Lies of doubt, discouragement, and hopelessness settled in.
Directionless.
Confused.
Failure.
Battled the lies.
Felt strong again.
Found direction.
Back on track ūüėČ

This pretty much sums up my life the past four months.

As much as my Instagram and Facebook account will portray that I have the most happy adventurous life with very few problems, it fails to show the emotional and mental turmoil behind the scenes.

When I got back from my trip to Palestine/Israel, I quickly jumped back into real life. And holy moses… that really took a turn on me. I didn’t know what to do with what I learned and I didn’t understand what I was supposed to do next. At that moment, all I knew was fear; fear of being STUCK.

In the two months of being back in the same life that I took a break from, I diagnosed myself with restless soul syndrome (it’s a real thing I promise). After my self-diagnosis, I risked some odds and quit my job to pursue other things. But here’s the trouble, I didn’t really know what I was trying to pursue. ¬†One door opened and I jumped on through, which seemed perfect and laid all my chips on the table and figured that was the plan. Later to find out the door closed and the plan¬†fell through. I refused to panic, but pursed other options while my mental compass still had no idea where the arrow was pointing to. (Kind of like the spinning compass in Pocahontas).

58a3dacfa959c468bb8e656f3dba108a.jpg
Her facial expression is on point with mine haha

Through this season of change, seeking opportunity and chasing after my dreams, I slowly started to tear myself apart. I felt like I didn’t have any real passions and a real drive and motive to do anything. I felt like I had nothing to offer, the more I searched the more I received the message that I am not enough. The negative self talk became a daily ritual. I became frustrated with how I am wired and created, and¬†shame had creeped in with its ugly head and told me everyday that I am NOT enough. I lack things and don’t have what it takes to change the world or help anyone.

Guys! Satan will tell you anything to make you stop doing stuff that will have a powerful impact other people and yourself. ¬†He’s a freaking a-hole… for a lack of better words with a proper vocabulary. ¬†Thankfully, those lies didn’t linger for very long because God placed amazing people in my life who pick me up, dust me off, and push me forward and believe in me.

So onward and upward, right?! The fight for chasing after my dreams was back in action! I felt much like this guy.

go-into-battle.jpg.e6adb25164e641322f0ec167c30c7836

Haha…

However, the OTHER kicker of my mental game was… the fear of being stuck, turned into a fear of a WRONG choice and wrong direction. You’re probably thinking, “Good gravy, Jess! Chill out and do something!” Trust me, I wanted to. But the crippling fear of a “wrong” choice was very apparent.

Randomly one night hanging out with friends, someone asked me what my plans are next. I explained that I didn’t know, and I just wish I had some kind of clear ambition so that at least would give me some direction and have a plan to go with. To which she replied and I quote: “Maybe you just need to be a little more ballzie¬†(did I spell that right?) instead trying to make a right choice all the time.” I stared at her like she was speaking pig latin. She continued to say, “What if you just went without a plan. Just go and see¬†what God does.”

Huh?! You mean raise up my White Flag and surrender my idea of what the plan is? Oh… right. I guess that’s what has been my hearts desire all along. My desire is¬†to live a life with a little bit of risk, boldness, and fun. My passion is letting go of any expectations I have of how I would like my life to play out, and let Him use me for anyone, anything, at anytime.

And somehow by raising my white flag, a direction came into fruition. But I’ll share that a different time. (da da daaaaa!!!)

PaintMines(20of112)
Photo by: karijoyphotography

Sincerely,
the girl who fought the mental games.

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